Wednesday, June 9, 2021

my veins are wires

I'm not as afraid of You as I used to be, and that scares me.

If I were a mindless robot, I would serve You with no thoughts to get in the way and without faltering for a moment. My performance would be flawless. But if I were a mindless robot, I wouldn't tremble. That's why You didn't make me out of nuts and bolts. Robots are not afraid.

I've pulled my own heart out, God, and I've replaced it with "do do do" and "think think think," and the result is a mixture of too much feeling and not enough. My veins are wires, and when I pulse, my heart pumps grease and oil.

Where's my blood? There was a time when it boiled in remembrance of You. The weight of You would crash down on me, and for a split second I was sure You'd drown me in Your blood. There is no more beautiful way to die. Now my heart has rusted.

I used to scream with glee for You to take me on a tour of all You are, but now I'm whispering the request through brown-tinged lips. I try to bend my knees to the ground in the fear of You, but my joints are metal and today they're jammed.

My comfort is that I'm afraid of my lack of fear, and that must mean my lack is not total.

~ Lila Kims

Saturday, May 29, 2021

ankle-deep in the knowledge of me

You are ankle-deep in the knowledge of me.

The schools of fish are colorful and synchronized; the whales are huge and dark and breathtaking; the dolphins chatter your ear off when so inclined and do their best to warn you when something is wrong. If you wanted to, you could even swim deep enough to where the truly weird things are, the things I'm not sure are good or bad. But you are only ankle-deep.

Why are you just standing there? I'm reaching out for you, but maybe my pull isn't strong enough. If I were brave, I would call up a wave as tall as you - goddess, queen, angel - and drench you from head to toe. My one fear is that you would choke or drown. There is no way to tell if you can swim or would even like to try.

Would you rather stand there, ankle-deep in the knowledge of me, and gaze out over my head? Or are you waiting for the wave?

I'm not sure what other oceans do.

I think I'll let you stand there, ankle-deep. The water is too cold.

~ Lila Kims